Reflecting on the Life of My Dad

Yesterday (January 27, 2024 11:53 pm), I received the call that many of us dread as we navigate the journey of aging and having aging parents. It was the call informing me that my dad had unexpectedly passed away. In the wake of this news, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster—feeling numb one moment, tears flowing the next, and then smiling at fond memories that flood my mind.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me as it is a way for me to express what is in my heart. There are times when emotions are so high, the words just flow so easily. This is one of those times.

My Dad's passing leaves me searching for meaning. While I've thought of this day as I watched my Dad age, nothing that you can ever imagine will prepare you for this day. One thing that brings peace and tears at the same time is reflecting on what is left rather than what is gone.

One moment that I hold dear to my heart dates back to my early childhood, when I was about five or six. My Dad and I would talk about this moment often as he demonstrated the deep love and admiration a young girl has for their father. During the summers, my parents would leave my sister and me at Big Momma's house while they worked. I remember those moments vividly: my dad would scoop me up in his arms, while my mom did the same with my little sister. I often pretended to be asleep, just so I could rest my head on my dad's broad shoulders. But one day, as he carried me up the steps to my grandmother's porch, he stumbled, and I fell along with him. In that moment of shock, I couldn't even give my own wounds attention, as I couldn't believe that my Daddy fell down. He was perfectly strong and he wasn't supposed to fall. This was the moment I realized that even my hero was fallible.

My dad was far from perfect, hell, none of us are! He was carefully selected to be the person chosen by God to impart invaluable lessons upon me. Some lessons were direct, through his actions and teachings, while others were learned indirectly, through his own mistakes. When I was younger, I blamed my parents for every setback or dissatisfaction in my life. But as I grew older, I learned the power of taking responsibility, and had resolved many of my unfortunate childhood moments to the fact that our parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have - and this was true for my parents. I don't believe that two people get together and say, "Hey, let's have a few kids and screw up their lives!"

Now, as a parent myself, I understand that even the strongest heroes will stumble and fall. Today, as we celebrate my dad's life and story, we also celebrate the lessons he taught us - the fortunate and not so fortunate. We're all on this hero's journey, navigating the highs and lows, learning and growing along the way.

A couple of years ago my husband shared a profound insight that has stuck with me all this time: "There are no perfect parents, only forgiving children; and there are no perfect children, only forgiving parents." It's a reminder to extend grace and forgiveness to one another, recognizing that imperfection is inherent in the human experience. And forgiveness opens doors to new possibilities and a sense of peace. When we don't forgive we remain in suffering, believing that we are punishing someone else, when really we are punishing ourselves.

While there were things I definitely wanted to be different in my Dad's final days/years, I realize that nothing happens as it does in the fairytales we read growing up where we live happily ever after. You learn to focus more on the happy times in hopes that these moments will show up more in your life.

In honoring my dad's memory, I'm reminded to cherish the moments we shared, to learn from his example, and to offer forgiveness and grace to both my parents and my own children. After all, these gestures of love and understanding are perhaps the most valuable gifts we can give one another.

As my family navigates the complex emotions of grief, I take solace in the knowledge that my dad's spirit lives on within me and those he touched and within the lessons he imparted. Though he may no longer be physically present, his influence continues to shape my life, guiding me on my own hero's journey with wisdom and love.

Rest in peace, Daddy. Your legacy will endure in the hearts of those who loved you.

Forever your little girl,

Niki